L]. not funny

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Things You Learn From the Movies:

• Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people—whether they are employed or not.
• At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
• Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
• Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
• If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
• Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
• Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
• All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
• It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
• Lipstick will never rub off—even while scuba diving.
• You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
• Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone who watches you will know all the steps.
• Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
• When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

500- byte quickie:

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy jumped into a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke? He took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is the girl next door.

Past Laughs  The content of this page changes on every Den update. Here are all those that were previously posted, in case you missed them.

Signs that the Matrix has you  I picked some out from a discussion list; there are a great deal more from where they came from! I made up a few signs myself, put them all together, and here you are.

Cinderella 99  This is a play I wrote for my school's Language Week 1999. It's the... unconventional version... of the stupid fairy tale we all know.

A merchandiser's clipboard  Oftentimes, you daydream when doing mundane tasks... and sometimes you produce really sad stuff to put on a website.

© 2001