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You yell into your cell phone "Tank, I need an exit now!"
You begin helping your landlady to carry out her garbage.
At the office, you periodically flee your cubicle to run to a room at the end of the hall, keeping very low.
When someone asks you why you are eating soup with a fork, you reply "There is no spoon."
You walk up to complete strangers and ask "You think that's air you're breathing?"
You now put the garden hose in the bathtub with you, so that when you get out you pretend you're unplugging from the Matrix.
Every time you wake up you check your bellybutton.
When another driver hogs the road in front of you, you yell "What are you waiting for, you're faster than this!"
When walking down a crowded city street, you look up and yell "Freeze it."
You set up your alarm clock at 9:18 even if your job starts at 8:00.
Eating steak makes you feel really, really evil.
When you walk someone to a door, you stop and say "I can only show you the door. You are the one who has to walk throught it."
You search through the supermarkets trying to find Tasty Wheat to see what it really tastes like.
When urged to get moving, you say "not yet," flutter your eyes, and then open them abruptly and say "let's go."
Your habitually have keyboard marks on your forehead.
Your job resume reads: "I know kung fu."
When asked what you want, you reflexively say you want lots of guns.
You panic whenever you receive a FedEx package.
Just before your dentist starts to clean your teeth, you stare at the overhead apparatus and say "Ju Jitsu? I'm gonna learn Ju Jitsu?"
You now use the prase "I know EXACTLY what you mean" in your conversations.
You answer the phone as "Operator".
You hop into your chair every time you go to sit at your computer.
When in an unpleasant situation, you go "Not like this... not like this..."
You wear shades when you look out your window, when you turn on your television, when you go to work, when you go to church, and when you pay your taxes.
When you go to a psychic you expect a free reading, plus cookies, even if you bend one of her spoons and break the flower vase in her kitchen.
You answer a phone call by whispering "Morpheus?"
You meditate in hope of seeing green code.
Whenever you see someone in the street talking on a cell phone, you grab it and run like hell.
Before letting go of a really big fart, you say "dodge this."
In social places, you lean against a wall by yourself in the hope that some beautiful woman will press close to you and warn you of danger.
You eat oatmeal telling everyone that it's a single-cell protein combined with synthetic aminos, vitamins, minerals and everything the body needs.
When the phone rings, you look at whoever else is in the room and say "You first."
You say "deja-vu" whenever you see a black cat.
You actually name your cat Deja-vu.
When asked for today's date you respond "I can't tell you exactly what year it is, because I honestly don't know."
You beat people up, step back, and look at your nails saying "How did I beat you?"
You start sporting dirty grey sweaters, a shaved head, and a bottlecap glued to the back of your head.
Your Halloween costume is a black suit, a black tie, and shades.
Whenever you say "I don't know," you also say "but I can give you the man who does."
You walk down crowded city streets and bump into everyone.
When someone is getting out of the car, you tell him "You've been down that road. You know where it leads. And I know that's not where you want to be."
You kick chairs at police officers.
The back of your neck feels sore because you've been trying to push pencils through it.
You are suspicious of women in red dresses.
Your girlfriend refuses to bring you dinner while you sleep on a metal bed.
You keep dropping cell phones off high buildings.
You try to dive into the stomach of people you don't like.
You hold a microscope over your bellybutton saying "Come on, come on..."
You tell your teacher that ignorance is bliss.
updated 7 December 2000
created 2 October 1999
L]. not funny signs that the matrix has you
© 2001