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Interpretations of nature from junior high, high school, and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved):
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five: a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
A survey of personnel executives at 200 major American corporations provided the following unbelievable but true accounts of job applicant behavior:
"The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore."
"When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket."
"She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn't think I'd mind."
"He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and proceeded to put his feet up on my desk."
"Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and tossed the match onto my carpet—and couldn't understand why I was upset."
"...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
"A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
"...asked to see interviewer's resumé to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
"...announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office—wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
"Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
"When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
"...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
"During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
"A phone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
"...asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
"Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" thought the doctor.
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Two men got into a terrible car accident. Both cars were totaled, but amazingly, neither man was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, one man said to the other, "There's nothing left of our cars, but at least we weren't injured. This must be a sign that we were meant to meet each other."
The other man replied, "I totally agree with you. We were fated to be friends."
"And look at this," continues the first man, "It's another miracle. My car was completely destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely we were meant to drink the wine to celebrate our good fortune!"
He handed the bottle to the other man, who promptly took a few big gulps and handed the bottle back. The man took the bottle and immediately put the cap back on.
The other man asked, "Aren't you going to have a drink?"
"No, I think I'll wait for the police to join us," the man said.
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor observed, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice president, Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixons were staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night.
Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the lobby. Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his wife headed for the elevator.
"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief. "Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."
"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.
"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."
Nixon pressed the elevator button, but then the security chief had second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"
"Of the United States," Nixon answered.
"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were a vice president of the hotel."
"Are you okay about political jokes?"
"No, I don't approve of them. I've seen too many get elected."
TORTURE ALERT: SOFTWARE 'TORTURED' DURING TESTING
NEW YORK — People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that more software companies have been added to the groups "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola, a spokesman for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available."
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and arduous tests - often without rest - for hours or days at a time.
Employees are assigned to 'break' the software by any means necessary and inside sources report that they often joke about 'torturing' the software.
"It's no joke," Grandola said. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and they are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."
Grandola said that the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.
"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing.
An old lady and her grandson are in the living room. She makes herself comfortable by taking a seat.
"Oh, this chair rocks", she realized.
He said, "Yeah, pretty cool, isn't it?"
Useful camping observations:
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics that 'breathe' enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a jacket hood can be used to strangle a snoring tentmate.
A blonde was sent to go out for coffee by her boss. Eager to do well on her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. The coffee shop worker came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked, showing him her thermos.
He looked at the thermos and said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
Things a dog must remember:
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick a human's face after eating animal poop.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew a human's toothbrush and not tell them.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal a human's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
A blonde called the fire department.
She screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick! My house is on fire."
The fire chief replied, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"
The blonde said, "Duh, red truck!"
The following are actual instructions found on the named items:
Hairdryer instructions — Do not use while sleeping
A bag of fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
A bar of dial soap — Directions: Use like regular soap
A frozen dinner — Serving suggestion: Defrost
A hotel-provided shower cap in a box — Fits one head
Tirimisu desert (Printed on the bottom of the box) — Do not turn upside down
Marks & Spencer bread pudding — Product will be hot after heating
Packaging for an electric iron — Do not iron clothes on body
Children's cough medicine — Do not drive car or operate machinery
Nytol (a sleep aid) — Warning: may cause drowsiness
A Korean kitchen knife — Keep out of children
A string of Christmas lights — For indoor or outdoor use only
A Japanese food processor — Not to be used for the other use
Sainsbury's peanuts — Warning: contains nuts
An American Airlines packet of nuts — Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
A Swedish chainsaw — Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
(Pardon the Malaysian/Singaporean dialect...)
Two businessmen were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one. "Hey, I tell you my driver is really stupid. If you don't believe me I'll show you." He called his driver over and said, "Ah Beng, here's ten bucks, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." To which Ah Beng replied, "Yessir! Right away, sir!" and rushed off.
He then turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."
The other businessman said, "That's nothing. You want to see stupid, I'll show you stupid." And he called his driver, "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." To which Ali said, "Yessir! Right away, sir!" and ran home.
"See what I told you?"
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooooo stupid. He gave me ten bucks and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes... Today is Sundaylah, the showroom is closed!"
Ali replied, "You think your boss is stupid? My boss lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home... He got handphone what, can just call up to checklah, bodoh!"
Q: Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Madonna does not have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?
A: A last name.
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, you can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing!" the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.
Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"
"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"
"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you failed. So you're fired."
"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."
"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"
A young girl once confessed to her priest that she thought she was guilty of the sin of pride. She said, "When I look in the mirror, I think I am beautiful." The priest said, "That's not a sin, that's a mistake."
—Rev. James Whitcomb Brougher, Sr.
Haircuts: The Difference Between Men and Women
Women's version:
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: Oh gosh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff, I'm afraid.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts—that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh—that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms—see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hitch-hiking hippie. Suddenly, an oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment and the passenger cabin was boiling with smoke.
The cockpit door opened and the pilot burst into the cabin. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute." With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes and hurtled through the door out into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry Pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack!"
© 2001